Holding her hand
by natzbadfairy
Summary: Derek goes to New York with Addison, leaving Meredith behind with a huge secret. They get back in touch but don't meet for another six months when her secret is revealed. One Shot. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read and review


Meredith lay on the floor of the living room, wishing she wasn't alone, that be was beside her, holding her hand. She needed him to tell her it would be ok and that she wasn't alone, but she was. He was with his wife, in New York, trying to rebuild their marriage. As she started to the tears fall, she didn't expect anyone to see her, or even to help her. She was a dirty ex mistress that was the resident whore at Seattle grace. Who would want to help her? His arms picked her off the floor, allowing her to feel a warm embrace for once, in such a long time. Normally she would have said she was fine, but she knew that he knew differently.

'You wanna talk?'

'I love him Alex,' Alex brushed the piece of stray hair away from her face, making her sob even louder.

'Mere, you'll get through this,' Meredith shook her head violently.

'I'm pregnant Alex,' Meredith's voice wasn't above a whisper, her dirty little secret showing its face.

'Does he know?'

'No, I found out yesterday. What am I going to do Alex?' Meredith started sobbing harder into his chest, unable to stop.

'I'll help you through this. I promise you Meredith, your not alone,' Alex carried Meredith up and into her bedroom, not letting her go once he got there. He laid her on the bed next to her, holding her until she fell asleep, the weight of the world on her shoulders. Izzie was standing watching Alex, wondering what was happening. He had never held Izzie like that, so protective. She envied Meredith.

'Alex, what's wrong?'

'Nothing, it's ok, I've got her,' Izzie shrugged her shoulders and went down the stairs to start baking again.

'Thank you,' Alex looked down to Meredith

'For what?'

'Not telling her,'

'Meredith, I wouldn't do that,' Meredith sat up in the bed and fixed her tangled hair.

'You ok?'

'What am I going to do? I can't tell him, but I can't deal with this on my own,'

'Mere, you're not alone,'

'I need to make an appointment…the clinic,'

'Mere, you don't have to have a termination. We'll all stick by you,'

'No, please Alex. Make me an appointment. As so as possible. I don't want to be like this,' Meredith was sitting up straight, her legs crossed, and her hands resting gently on her legs.

'Mere, you haven't thought about this,'

'I don't want to think about it,' Alex turned Meredith's face to his.

'Mere, you're going to have an abortion because of Derek shepherd and the fact you can't tell him? Mere, you don't need him,'

'Alex, I can barely look after myself with out him, how am I going to raise a child? I can't. I'll make the appointment myself,' Meredith pulled her cell out her bag and dialed the number for the hospital.

'Put me through to the maternity unit,' her voice was steady and calm, like she was organizing it for a patient.

'This is Meredith Grey…Yes…I want to book a termination,' Alex tried to catch her attention but she turned to face the window. Derek didn't want her so why should he want a baby? This would solve all her problems. No piece of Derek in her, or around her. She would be able to move on, sort her life out.

'I'm off work so I can come in when ever,' Alex was getting more and more frustrated. She was acting like it was a night out with her friends, like it didn't matter.

'Tomorrow? That's really soon…No, I'll take it. When do I need to come in?' Alex couldn't stand it.

'No Meredith, I'm not letting you do this. Give it a few more days, next week,'

'Alex, shut up,' Meredith instantly regretted snapping at him. He had been nothing but supportive since Derek had left and now she was just being mean to him.

'I'll be there tomorrow for ten. How long will the procedure take?' Meredith ignored Alex as he stood directly behind her.

'Yeah thank,' Meredith slammed her phone shut. By eleven tomorrow everything would be sorted, no more Derek.

'Alex, come with me,'

'Meredith, you need to think this through,'

'Alex, please, do this for me,' Alex extended his arms out and pulled Meredith in against him. She sighed heavily un-sure wither or not she was doing the right thing.

_**Gagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagaga**_

Meredith pulled her Dartmouth shirt over her head and looked at herself in the mirror. She had half and hour until she was to be at the hospital and Alex's words were still ringing in her ears.

'You need to think about this,' 

That was all she had done the entire night, not able to sleep. She was destroying the last piece of Derek that she had, breaking him away from her for good. She would never get another chance at this. Deep down she knew she was doing the wrong thing but she had to ignore it and look to the surface. She was a resident, single, working hundred hour weeks, barely able to function without him. How would she manage with a baby as well?

'You ready?' Alex was standing, his car keys in his hands.

'Yes…no…maybe,'

'Mere, you can pull out of this,'

'No, let's do this,' Meredith lifted her bag and followed Alex down and into the car. Looking in the mirror, she noticed how gaunt she looked. Her hair was straggly, her face white and bare with no make up on.

'Meredith, we don't have to go,'

'Alex, please,' Alex clipped his belt in and started driving in the direction of the hospital.

'This isn't the only option mere,'

'Alex, please…' Alex and Meredith remained silent the entire way to the hospital, neither one quite sure what to say. Even in the waiting room of the hospital they sat in silence.

'Alex, I'm doing the right thing, aren't I?'

'I would say no, you need more time but hey, I'm just the driver,' Meredith grabbed hold of Alex's hand. As she sat, staring into space, his face flew through her mind. His eyes, dimples, hair, it all came flooding back. But most of all how much she missed him and loved him. She sat, her grip on Alex getting tighter and tighter.

'Meredith Grey?' As her name was called she snapped. Lifting her bag and jacket she ran out of the waiting room.

'Cancel the appointment,' Alex ran after her and caught up with her outside. She was spinning round and round, unable to breath.

'Mere…calm down…calm down!'

'Alex…' She fell against him, her body drained of energy.

'No going back Alex,'

'What do you mean?'

'I'm in this now. There's no going back,'

'And you're not alone,'

_**gagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagaga**_

Meredith rolled over in her bed, squinting at the light that was filtering in the window. Pushing herself up and out the bed, she looked at her frame in the mirror. Her breasts were larger and her stomach protruding so far out, she could no longer see her feet. Being seven months pregnant was making her glow. Stumbling down the stairs, she could hear Izzie in the kitchen but could smell the cupcakes.

"hey, you've been busy,'

'Yeah, couldn't sleep,' Izzie threw some bowls in the sink and placed a try of hot cupcakes in front of Meredith. Meredith lifted one and started munching her way through it.

'You ok?'

'Yeah, cramp,'

'Seriously? It must be pretty bad if it's waking you up. You want me to take a look?'

'Meredith, your seven months pregnant. You can't take a look anymore,'

'Hey, I'm still a doctor,'

'Yeah, of neurology,'

'So?'

'If anyone would look at me it would at least be gyno, not neuro,'

'Very funny,' Meredith tucked into her third cupcake.

'You hungry?'

'Eating for two,' Meredith smiled and headed back up the stairs to shower. The warm water soothed her aching back and legs. She was now officially on twelve-hour shifts but even they were tiring her out. Washing her hair, she could smell the lavender seeping into her hair. Derek always came to her mind when she washed her hair. She hated it but at the same time, longed for the moments when she did think of him. She had contacted him and had spent several hours on the phone to him every week, telling how everyone was. She always avoided the questions about how she was. He had come down to Seattle for a consult, and Meredith's bump had nearly given her secret away. The last time she had saw him was three months before, her bump more than visible but he never asked or even brought it up as she hid it under scrubs. He had come down without his wedding ring on and happily informed Meredith that he and Addison had split up. She still never said anything, knowing that he probably had a life in New York. Stepping out the shower she put her hair up and slipped her large maternity jumper over her head. It hanged loosely, allowing for easy movement.

Setting up her laptop she started writing an email to Derek.

'Hey, Mere here. Not heard from you in a few days. Hoping your ok. Nothing major happening here, few good neuro cases but nothing spectacular. Was thinking of you this morning, stupid I know but was thinking of you and lavender. The ferryboats seem quiet when I go there without you on the phone. It seems weird that we talk on the phone as I sit and stare at ferryboats. Anyway, give me a call or even better come down and see us all. The chief was asking after you, hoping you were well entertained up there. Oh, yeah, I got offered chief neuro residency but not sure wither or not to take it. It would mean basically running the neuro cases. Chief's neuro ran off to Italy and didn't do his notice so he's looking for a chief. Don't think I'd go for that. Anyway, hope to hear from you soon Derek.

Love always 

_Mere_

_Xox'_

Sending the email, Meredith smiled at the almost instant reply she got.

'_Hey, I'm no going to make this a long email as I have a surprise for you. Glad to hear everyone's ok._

_Love you_

_Derek,'_

Meredith was confused. He had a surprise for her? After five minutes, Meredith's phone started ringing.

'Hello?'

'Mere, hey,'

'Derek! How you doing?'

'I'm good, what about you?' Meredith started stumbling over her words.

'I'm…I'm great,'

'You sure, you don't sound sure?'

'I'm fine. So what's the surprise you've got for me?'

'You have to wait and see,'

'I hate surprises,'

'I know. So have you accepted the job?'

'Well kind of, but I won't start it for a few months so,'

'Why?' Meredith slapped her head with her hand.

'Just getting back into the main hustle and bustle will take some time,'

'ok, is something wrong? You seem like your hiding something,'

'I…no…yes…no everything's fine, everything's fine,'

'Mere…'

'No, honestly, everything's fine. When are you coming back down?' Derek started faltering too.

'Soon, hopefully…yeah just need to sort out some stuff and I should be down shortly,'

'Mere…Breakfast!'

'Derek, I'm being called upon by Izzie. I'll speak to you soon,'

'Yeah. Take care of yourself Mere. Remember I'm only a phone call away,'

'Thanks Derek. Love you,'

'Love you too Mere,' Meredith was the first to hang up and as she closed her phone over she realized what she had said. She had told Derek that she still loved him.

'Crap,' it was different writing it in an email because he couldn't hear the emotion in her voice but with a phone call everything was different. Then it really hit her. He had said he loved her as well. Meredith became lost in a world of her own. Lifting her keys from the sideboard she shouted through to Izzie.

'I'm going out for a bit. Put breakfast to the side for me,'

'Mere, where are you…' Izzie was cut short by the sound of the front door closing. Meredith started driving towards the ferryboats when her phone started ringing in her pocket.

'Mere…where are you going?"

'Ferryboats,'

'Mere, you need to eat something,'

'Izzie, I'll see you later,' Meredith slammed her phone shut as she pulled into the harbor and headed straight for their bench. When he phoned she would come to this bench and sit, taking about small things, just wanting to spend more time listening to his voice, his laugh. She missed him but knew his life was in New York now. Meredith was in a world of her own when her phone started ringing inside the car. Running over she answered it.

'Izzie, I told you I'm…'

'Get your ass back here now,'

'Why?'

'Trust me, just be quick. Please, trust me on this one and come home,'

'ok, I'll be back in ten,' Izzie hung up and turned and smiled, trying to re assure herself that she was doing the right thing. Meredith sped down the roads, wondering what the hell was wrong. Pulling up she noticed a red car sitting further down the road. It was shining in the sun light and wasn't there when she left. Pushing the house door open she shouted on Izzie.

'Izzie? You ok?' Heading into the kitchen she stopped dead in her tracks. Turning round she closed her eyes and prayed that they hadn't seen her.

'Mere?' Meredith turned round slowly and locked her eyes on their face, trying to judge wither or not to run.

'Derek, hi,' His face was white at first with no emotion showing when all of a sudden he started smiling, the sparkle coming back in his eyes.

'You're looking great Meredith,'

'Thanks. What are you doing here?'

'Chief of Neuro job? I had spoke to Richard a few days ago and had accepted the job as soon as he offered me it. I'm back,'

'Your back,' Meredith rested her hand on her ever growing stomach and sat on a bar stool next to Derek.

'You never mentioned you were pregnant,'

'Yeah well,'

'Who's the lucky guy?' Izzie dropped her plate in the sink and excused her self, leaving Derek slightly confused.

'Mere?'

'Derek…I'm sorry,'

'Mere, what's wrong?'

'It depends what you would say was wrong. Some people would say it was a good thing other would say it wasn't personally it's a good thing in some ways and,'

'Mere, you're rambling. What's wrong?'

'It's…yours' Derek sat back on the bar stool and started looking around the room.

'I found out just after you had left with Addison. I tried to tell you loads of times but you would always start talking about how much you loved seeing your old friends from New York. I didn't want me or a the baby to change it,'

'Mere…I said I liked New York because you seemed so happy with me gone,'

'Derek, I missed you everyday and still do,' Derek shook his head.

'How far along are you?'

'Seven months,' Meredith lifted Derek's hand and placed it on her stomach.

'I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I was so frightened of how you would react,'

'Mere, I can't believe it,'

'Are you mad?'

'Yes, but not with you. With myself at the fact I didn't stay here or come back when me and Addison split,'

'You didn't know,'

'I don't mean for the baby…I mean for you. Meredith, when you said you loved me on the phone I felt like everything around me had just blown up. I left my lap top in the trailer and came straight over, only to find you had left,' Meredith started smiling.

'I went to the ferryboats. Felt kina weird though since I wasn't talking to you on the phone,'

'Yeah,' Derek turned to face Meredith.

'Are you happy?'

'Yes…no, this is going to sound so bad. When you left for New York, I went to the clinic, Alex came with me. He was the first one I told, sounds stupid me telling you this but you were the one thing that stopped me going through with it. I could see your face when I was sitting in the waiting room. It sounds like I'm crazy but I've never felt so alone since I found out and even though every ones been great, I just…missed you,' Derek gently cupped Meredith's face in his hand.

'Mere, I…I thought you were happy without me. That's why I didn't come back when I left Addison,'

'Why now?'

'My contact ended in New York. I didn't have anything to stay for. But here, I had a life that I just left. I know things have changed and that I can't just slip back into it and pick everything up since before Addison left but…I want to try,' Meredith smiled and looked down to the floor, causing her hair to fall in front of her face.

'Can I try?'

'You can try,' Derek start smiling. Meredith could see the happiness in his face causing her to start laughing properly for the first time in months. Leaning in to Derek Meredith pulled his up to her face and started kissing him. Derek was surprised at first, but didn't take long to respond. Slipping his hands around her waist, he pulled her over to the edge of her bar stool, causing her hand to rest on his chest.

'I feel ferryboats coming on,'

'Screw the ferryboats,' Meredith stood up, pulling Derek with her.

'Where are we going?'

'Trailer,'

'Why?'

'Cause only me and you will be there,' Meredith took Derek's hand and pulled him over to the front door.

'Ok, let's get going,'

_**gagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagaga**_

Meredith rolled onto her side to face Derek.

'Hey,' Meredith entwined her fingers into Derek's.

'How long you been up for?'

'About an hour,'

'What time do you start?'

'I've got a crainioplasty at ten thirty so I need to be in for nine thirty. What are you planning to do today?'

'Stay in bed,'

'Sounds like a good plan,'

'Well your baby seems to like lying in bed,'

'My baby?'

'Yes, your baby,'

'I like that,' Derek started kissing the line of Meredith's collar bone.

'I bet you do but you have to go get ready. You only have thirty minutes before you have to be at the hospital,'

'So?'

'go and get ready,' Meredith pretended to kick Derek out the bed. He started laughing when suddenly Meredith's hand darted to her stomach.

'Derek…come here,'

'Mere, what's wrong?'

'Give me your hand,' Meredith placed Derek's hand on her bump and watched as his face turned from white to a normal colour.

'You scared me,' The kicking in Meredith's stomach stopped.

'Derek, I'm not due for another week. Relax,'

'That's not that long and people do go into labor early,'

'Derek, I'm fine. Now go get ready,' Derek pulled his shirt over his head and searched in the closet for his jeans.

'Bottom drawer for you blue ones and second drawer for you black ones,'

'How do you know that?'

'I get bored,'

'So you sorted the closet and drawers out?'

'What? I was bored. Everyone was working,'

'Ok, you do what ever you have to do, but just take it easy,' Meredith pulled herself up in the bed, wrapping the sheet around her chest.

'I will,'

'And remember to phone of you need anything,'

'Derek, I'm fine. God you're such a worrier,'

'I'm not I just want to make sure your ok,'

'Derek go to work,' Derek leaned down and kissed Meredith gently.

'Love you,'

'Love you too,' Derek lifted his pager and closed the bedroom door on the way out. Meredith slipped back down the bed and tried to fall back asleep but it was no use. She was awake. Climbing out of bed, she put her hair up in a bun and slipped Derek's indigo polo shirt on. She could smell his aftershave on the collar. Stumbling down the stairs to the kitchen she could here noise coming from the kitchen.

'Hey, Alex what are you doing here?'

'I came for food. My apartment is empty. Izzie has officially moved me in here so I have no food in the house at all. You want anything?'

'Yeah, can I have a bowl and the muesli box down? Derek usually leaves it on the counter for me,'

'Why?'

'Cause I can't reach the cupboard,' Alex started chuckling. Pouring the muesli in a bowl and adding milk, Alex handed a spoon to Meredith.

'Enjoy. I'm off to work,'

'Have fun. Tell Derek I'm fine and that you checked on me before you left. Make him smile,'

'Is he being over protective?'

'kind of but I don't care. It shows that he's serious,'

'Meredith that's because we all threatened to break his neck if he hurt you again,'

'Thanks Alex,' Alex squeezed Meredith's shoulder as he left the kitchen.

'Take it easy Mere,'

'I will,' Meredith finished eating and after an hour started clearing up when she dropped the bowl, causing it to smash onto the floor. Bending forward, she hands wrapped themselves around her stomach.

'Oh god,' Meredith looked down to the floor to see her waters had broken.

'Oh god,' Meredith fell back against the counter. After thirty seconds the pain subsided, allowing Meredith time to get to the phone. Her hands were trembling as she dialed Derek's cell phone number. She stood, holding herself up against the side board.

'Derek Shepherd,'

'Where is he?'

'He's in surgery,'

'Put him on,'

'I can't do that,' Meredith could hear Derek in the background.

'Mere what wrong?'

'My waters broke,'

'Crap. Ok, some body will be there shortly,'

'Derek, I don't have that kind of time,'

'What do you mean?'

'Derek, I don't have…GOD ALMIGHTY!'

'Mere…look, I'll be there as soon as I can,' Derek hung the phone up and instantly left the theater. Meredith tried walking up and down the hall, hoping it would help subside the pain. Standing against the banister, she could feel the lightening from the top of her stomach. She knew she didn't have long. Pushing her weight down through her hands onto the banister, she started counting as the contraction started.

'boys are stupid,' Taking deep breath in, she could see the clock in the kitchen. It was hitting ten forty five. Derek had lied. He was just starting the surgery when she called. Meredith sat at the bottom of the stairs, her back against the wall. Meredith closed her eyes and tried to imagine ferryboats. After twenty minutes, Meredith's eyes shot open at the sound of the front door. Derek walked over and tried to pull Meredith to her feet.

'Mere, come on, you can do this,'

'Derek, I can't,'

'Mere, I need to get you to the hospital,'

'No, I can't. I can't stand up,' Derek put his arms under her and carried her down to the car. Sliding her in the passenger seat, he could feel her grabbing the back of his scrub shirt.

'I hate you so much,'

'I know,' Meredith released her grip, digging her nails into the palm of her hands. Derek put his foot down on the gas, causing the car to speed round the corners. Meredith was screaming, the pain slowly beginning to come faster and faster. As he pulled into Seattle grace, Meredith grabbed his hand.

'Promise me you won't leave me,'

'I promise, but you need to let me go so I can get you inside,' Meredith smiled and let Derek's hand go. Derek ran round the side of the car and lifted Meredith out. Bailey was outside with a wheel chair for Meredith.

'Oh, thank god! Bailey, give me drugs,'

'Not so fast, let's get you down to maternity first,' Bailey handed the wheelchair over to Derek and started running behind him. Meredith slid forward in the chair, her back arching with the pain.

'Mere, you need to sit back,'

'Derek, shut up,' Derek pulled the chair up next to a bed in the maternity unit and lifted Meredith up onto it.

'Ok, lets get you hooked up and then see how far along you are,' Bailey started slipping Derek's shirt off Meredith.

'No, leave it on,'

'You sure?'

'Yeah,'

'Ok, let's see how far you're gone,' Meredith was gripping onto Derek's hand and didn't plan on letting go. Bailey looked up to Meredith and then to Derek.

'Bailey, what's wrong?'

'You're fully dilated,'

'WHAT!'

'How long have you been like this?'

'About an hour,'

'Ok, let's get you moved along to the delivery rooms,'

'Bailey, give me drugs,'

'Meredith, you're too far along,'

'Bailey, please, give me something,'

'Meredith, I can't,'

'I can't do this,' Derek came down to Meredith's level.

'Mere, you can do this. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. You can do this,' Bailey started pushing the gurney, pleased that Derek had managed to calm Meredith down.

'Ok, let's get you delivered,'

_**gagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagaga**_

Meredith opened her eyes slowly to see Derek sitting next to the bed, his hand in Meredith's. As she looked to his other arm, her face lit up. The tiny blue bundle wriggled in his arms.

'Hey,'

'Hey, how you feeling?'

'Really light,' Derek stood up and placed the tiny bundle onto Meredith's chest.

'He's gorgeous,'

'Just like his mommy,'

'Nah, defiantly a daddy's boy,' Derek sat down next to Meredith.

'He needs a name,'

'I like the name Owen, What about you?'

'No, I like Owen,' the tiny baby's eyes opened slowly, showing the piercing blue eyes he had inherited from Derek.

'Told you he was his daddy's boy,'

'I'm so proud of you Mere,'

'I'm sorry,'

'What for?'

'Not telling you about him,'

'Mere, forget it,'

'No Derek, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I should of,'

'Meredith, shut up,' Derek leaned into Meredith and kissed her gently.

'Forget it…I have,' Meredith smiled and gently lifted Owen from her chest, settling him back down into her arms.

'He's so tiny,'

'But perfect,'

'I'm glad you came back,'

'So am I…so am I,'


End file.
